Thankless……

Have you ever notice how we want to escape from every phase of life? As a child you want to become a teenager, as a teenager you want to become an adult ….. Become self-sufficient, you want to leave home, you want to be independent, you want to start you own new life! Parents start seeming annoying, their care seems like taunts, and you can’t stand their concern for even one fraction of a second! And yes I know you also would’ve read a million trillion articles about how parents sacrifice so much for us and how thankless we kids are in return.

But here I am in a weird forked path in my life, in the next 60 days I leave my only support system….and go away…. In the next 60 days I get married to a man who I think I know. But in return I have to leave behind someone who halted her own breath for my first breath; I leave behind someone who has been not a single mother but a double mother! Someone who I have tortured to tears, and loved to laughter, someone I cannot imagine living a single day without, my best enemy, my worst friend (she can’t take sarcasm) …. I was really little when our family of three became a family of two, but I was twenty when I actually realized that we were a family of two, because all these years she never made me feel for even a fraction of second that I was missing out on something in life. And the immature person that I was never understood that it was actually she who missed out on her entire life. For me she lived on, for me she smiled, for me she put up a bold front, for me she carried on her life…… but never lived it. Now for the past 11 years she lived like the way I wanted her to live, she smiled to hide her sorrows only so that I wouldn’t see her pain.

For someone who has made so many sacrifices for me….. How can I just turn my back and move ahead in life? How do I? Every night is the same question, how do I leave someone alone who stayed alone her entire life so that I am not alone. How do I? How do I live a life without someone I haven’t lived a second without. No, no one can love me more than she does and no one can love her more than I do. It goes without saying that no one can ever make as many sacrifices as she has for me…. No one, what I cannot answer is a question that I have raised myself; again being the selfish daughter that I am the question is not “how will she live without me” the question is “how will I live without her”?  I cannot even come up with an imaginative answer let alone a realistic answer.

Do I regret my decision? Yes, I shouldn’t have made this decision so soon in life…. What do I do? The day I saw my father lying there lifeless I clung onto my mother’s dupatta and decided never to let go , today when I stand on this forked path I don’t want to let go of that dupatta…. I don’t want to let go of her fragrance (which makes me sneeze  :p) I don’t want to miss her , I want to be with her , I want her next to me… from my first breath to my last.