Thankless……

Have you ever notice how we want to escape from every phase of life? As a child you want to become a teenager, as a teenager you want to become an adult ….. Become self-sufficient, you want to leave home, you want to be independent, you want to start you own new life! Parents start seeming annoying, their care seems like taunts, and you can’t stand their concern for even one fraction of a second! And yes I know you also would’ve read a million trillion articles about how parents sacrifice so much for us and how thankless we kids are in return.

But here I am in a weird forked path in my life, in the next 60 days I leave my only support system….and go away…. In the next 60 days I get married to a man who I think I know. But in return I have to leave behind someone who halted her own breath for my first breath; I leave behind someone who has been not a single mother but a double mother! Someone who I have tortured to tears, and loved to laughter, someone I cannot imagine living a single day without, my best enemy, my worst friend (she can’t take sarcasm) …. I was really little when our family of three became a family of two, but I was twenty when I actually realized that we were a family of two, because all these years she never made me feel for even a fraction of second that I was missing out on something in life. And the immature person that I was never understood that it was actually she who missed out on her entire life. For me she lived on, for me she smiled, for me she put up a bold front, for me she carried on her life…… but never lived it. Now for the past 11 years she lived like the way I wanted her to live, she smiled to hide her sorrows only so that I wouldn’t see her pain.

For someone who has made so many sacrifices for me….. How can I just turn my back and move ahead in life? How do I? Every night is the same question, how do I leave someone alone who stayed alone her entire life so that I am not alone. How do I? How do I live a life without someone I haven’t lived a second without. No, no one can love me more than she does and no one can love her more than I do. It goes without saying that no one can ever make as many sacrifices as she has for me…. No one, what I cannot answer is a question that I have raised myself; again being the selfish daughter that I am the question is not “how will she live without me” the question is “how will I live without her”?  I cannot even come up with an imaginative answer let alone a realistic answer.

Do I regret my decision? Yes, I shouldn’t have made this decision so soon in life…. What do I do? The day I saw my father lying there lifeless I clung onto my mother’s dupatta and decided never to let go , today when I stand on this forked path I don’t want to let go of that dupatta…. I don’t want to let go of her fragrance (which makes me sneeze  :p) I don’t want to miss her , I want to be with her , I want her next to me… from my first breath to my last.

When will the tunnel end?

In his book, Life without Father, David Popenoe, wrote: “Growing up without a father may be a root cause of many social ills—from crime to academic failure.”  How true! 

When I think of my father, words like “strong, handsome, religious, available, patient, protective, wise, respected, tender-hearted, safe, responsible, and loving” come to mind. And then when I imagine my life without my father each of these little elements disappears, we speak of living in the 21st century, but the advantages we would take of women without a man to support her is unreal. It is said that from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections, if only the world actually understood this.

No I am not using the absence of a light house to be the reason for my blindness , but yes the lack of light definitely can most certainly be the reason for anyone to go astray.... true? I kept my eyes wide open , I kept my senses alert , I made every conscious effort to keep my dignity intact , but yet I managed to stumble onto so many pit holes filled with muck .....Pit holes I would've avoided if there was light in my life.

I got stuck in quick sand , fell on my face , hurt my ego , my self-esteem just because I was blinded .... Blinded and determined to reach the end of the tunnel and see light.... even if I saw a ray of light I would start walking again only to fall on my face again and again and again. Every onlooker misjudging my motives , every person judging my morals but none made an effort to understand that I was not making the wrong choices or I was not morally weak or neither was I lost, I was just looking for my light house ..... I was just looking for my father..... Some never understood and the others? The others took advantage..... Life was never normal, as an 11 year old I remember my childhood being burnt in front of my own eyes, but who understood me? Only the person who was being burnt.

 A little girl needs to see herself reflected in the love she sees for herself in her father's eyes.  This is how she develops self-confidence and self-esteem, a healthy familiarity with what a positive expression of love feels like, and an appreciation for her own looks and her own body. 

Likewise, having a father present is how she develops immeasurable skills that will help her stand up, face the world. This might not be true for all..... But for someone like me who still looks for her father in every atom of the world, I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.

PEACE??

It is in my mistaken belief (i hope) that there tends to be a growing trend to actions to find peace. sad. peace is a choice one makes even in the midst of trials. the only thing stopping us is ourselves and the others n our lives(which is again ourselves with excuses). its true that our forefathers had it way more than we did and we lack it because our life and time is the hyper real. and its so easy to lose it. unfortunate. you can lie to yourself as much as you want but peace ain't gonna find you. its your job to find it unlike most things in life that show up at your door step. so when i wish you peace know that i don't mean the frame of mind no. that would be too easy i simply wish you a journey where you discover yourself and what your looking for. the process of peace is far more rewarding than we expect. hold true and brace yourselves to be tossed around ............

9 years

9 years .... its been 9 long years since i last saw you , last heard from you , last hugged you ....... 9 years since the first time i was called a "half orphan" ... 9 years of struggle .... 9 years of a pseudo smile .... 9 years .... We cannot understand how one minute this person was here and the next they are gone. The truth is that those we love are never truly gone. The body may have run its course, but the soul lives forever. Human beings have been cognizant of eternal life since the beginning of time. Every culture has its own traditions about death and reincarnation.........
Your battle is now over, no more tears flowing down your cheek,
no more pain, no more suffering, now you are no longer weak.
I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,
but I am proud to say you are my dad, the greatest man I ever knew.
Although you will not be here to walk with me down the aisle ,
when that day comes I know you will be by my side with a smile.
You were always there for me and never once made me cry,
until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye.
Now you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide,
please wrap them around me whenever you see me cry.
Our time together was memorable and God took you way too fast,
But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath,
and me being there for your last.................


Wreath Laying

"I have given the ultimate sacrifice, My country I did defend, My words you should remember, I wont pass this way again."

My father my hero, there you are
Up there, watching over me everywhere
Living inside my heart forever indeed
Meaning the world to me in every way

My father my hero, every where I go
Imagining your smile and glare
Makes me happy and accept you aren’t here
Keeping your love forever oh dear

My father my hero, always with me in spirit here
Even though you are gone for years
Your love will never fail
After all those years I still miss

I wish You hadn't left

Walking down a long lonely road , with swaying trees on both side , i took small steps with a heavy heart , i felt lonely , i felt incomplete . All of a sudden i heard foot steps follow me . I felt scared , i felt helpless , i started walking faster and the footsteps following me became louder . I didn't know what to do , how to react . What was i suppose to do? i was 11 there wasn't much i could do , so i gathered all the courage i had in me and turned around ......... and to my amazement it was my father! I hadn't felt happier in ages . I ran into his arms and he hugged me tight ...... I missed the warmth of his protective hug , i missed looking into his brown eyes and feeling like the most loved daughter in this world , i missed HIM . I was seeing him after seven months . He looked good in his olive green uniform , well everyone looks charming in an army uniform but he was the worlds most good looking person for me . The fact that i looked like my father made me feel so happy ..... Just then i saw a red blotch of blood on his collar "What is this" i asked him but he just ignored my question and hugged me tighter . Then he stood up , held my tiny hands and started walking down the lonely road besides me and all of a sudden the road did not seem lonely at all. Very soon the road came to an end and we stood on the junction of our house . He came down on his knees , kissed my forehead and said "If u ever feel lonely and scared , all u have to do is turn back , and your papa will always be there for you" . He asked me to run home and said he would join us shortly . I ran home to tell my mother that dad was back from the border , but the moment i entered my house i heard my mothers painful cries . I ran into the hall and got the shock of my life! There lay my father .....Lifeless ...... he was shot in the neck ..... my mother looked at me and said "He's gone...forever" I ran back to the lonely road i yelled for my father , I screamed for him to come back , I sat there and cried

But this time ...... i was all ALONE

　

　

　

　

Time Just passes by….
I still remember those everlasting eleven years that I spent with the most important person of my life …… my father
　
Those days were the most wonderful years of my life ….. Those days when he first held my tiny hands and taught me how to write,
Those days when he read out my first story to me
The first time he came to my school for a parent-teacher meet.
I can never forget those days when I would sit next to the phone and wait for hours for him to call when he was away on the border fighting for the country , Searching for his face In the crowd on the railway station every time he came home for leave . The love , the affection , the tears were all returned to me in a six by two coffin , no more could I live under the protective shadow of a father , never again will I be able to smell the sweet scent of my father , never again will I be able to hug the pillow on which he lay , never again will I cry every time he went back on the border after a small holiday , never , because now …. he’s gone forever …. and all that I am left with … are memories…..
Memories will stay ….
People might not …